It's been too long / goodbye to Upstream

It has seriously been forever since I've written here. Life has been sweet, but I indeed have not felt inspired to write here. (Also haven't been in a banner-making mood... sorry!)

More explanation, photos, and "writing-it-out" here - http://everygoodandperfect.wordpress.com/2010/05/04/set-your-mind-on-things-above/

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Last Thursday was the last Upstream (EVER) and I'm so glad that I went. Also glad I got a sweet Polaroid shot of All Faith's.

The night was sad and refreshing at the same time.

While we were singing during worship, a lot of things were going on in my head and heart.

Enjoying: singing those songs, in that place, feeling the Spirit bring comfort and reassurance, it was sweet.

Contemplating: praying through how the Lord uses change in our lives - mainly the concept of refinement. I think that he always brings change for a purpose.

Remembering: thinking through all the hard/good/messy times that the Lord wrought in my life through Upstream, and often in All Faith's -- dear sisters fighting to help me believe Truth amidst struggle, prayer team fighting to pray over another Thursday even when the words were hard to gather, me sitting against those wood paneled walls praying for worship "in Spirit and in Truth" and for protection against the Enemy, me praying on that blue-carpeted prayer room alone on many non-Thursdays.

I think it's wrong to give places or ministries or people credit for the Lord's work, but I do think it's valuable to look at those spaces and remember those tangible moments and evidences of God's artful, intricate faithfulness to His children.

I'm thankful for Upstream: for the real-deal friends I grew with there, the Truth that I learned there, and the lessons in prayer that I experienced there. I am thankful that whenever I see All Faith's - whether in person or in my mind or via photo - what I will truly remember is the Lord's utter faithfulness and care during my college years.

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Lord, now indeed I find
Thy pow'r and Thine alone,
Can change the leper’s spots,
And melt the heart of stone.

’Cause Jesus paid it all,
All to Him I owe.
Sin had left a crimson stain,
He washed it white as snow.

Oh, praise the One who paid my debt,
And raised this life up from the dead.

Oh, praise the One who paid my debt,
And raised this life up from the dead.

stories

explored., originally uploaded by lullabysounds.

Everyone has a story. The Lord values each and every person's stories, and therefore I should as well. Sometimes it's hard: I decide for myself that I'm tired of that person's story, or I don't think they're doing it right, and I stop listening to or participating in their story. That's not the way I should walk in.

I think these were 2 of the biggest themes I learned in college:

1. Trust. Trust. Hey guess what, TRUST. Oh, and do some resting and waiting as well. Because, the Lord is the only secure home for your trust and hope and rest. Place your trust in Him - roll your cares and worries and tears into His arms and sit and breathe: it's safe. The waiting will be valuable and He will redeem whatever you think has been lost.

2. Even the people that I may think must have it all together, actually have a story. They have hurts and pasts and struggles just like me. Whether I'm a huge fan of the person or not is irrelevant: God is the one writing their story and so guess what it's quality material. Duh. Everyone has layers upon layers of complex and delicate life. But, when I write them off as unlovable, I miss out on how the Lord is working and I ignore His grace (towards me and my negativity) and His power to redeem each of us and write beautiful life/love stories for our whole selves.

Peace on Earth

I heard the bells on Christmas day

Their old familiar carols play
And mild and sweet the words repeat,
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

I thought how as the day had come,
The belfries of all Christendom
Had roll'd along th' unbroken song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

And in despair I bow'd my head:
"There is no peace on earth," I said,
"For hate is strong, and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men."

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
"God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail,
With peace on earth, good will to men."

'Til ringing, singing on its way,
The world revolved from night to day,
A voice, a chime, a chant sublime,
Of peace on earth, good will to men!

- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, first published in 1863

Modge podge

November has flown by. I can't believe Thanksgiving is only a week and a half away! Awesome! Right? I think so. This entry is going to be a bit of a modge podge. Haven't had real clear thoughts lately, so I'm just going to go for it. Thought I was going to go to bed early tonight, but I think writing will be good. Thanks for reading :)

Tonight I listened to more than one JJ Heller song in a row for the first time, and it has been reallyreally life giving. "Love me" is powerful.


This post from Piper was good. I don't know if I've fully internalized these concepts:

....God's free and sovereign heart-changing work is our only hope. Therefore we must pray for a new heart. We must pray for the "want to":

Incline my heart to Your testimonies. (Psalm 119:36)

He has promised to do it:

I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statutes. (Ezekiel 36:27)

I definitely struggle with trying to manufacture my own "want to," putting my confidence in it, and then eventually failing because my strength is insufficient. Sometimes, my own human motivation to do the right thing will work for a good while, and maybe I don't even realize I'm relying on it, but I've learned that it can't truly sustain godly actions. Because, the world and my flesh will thump away at whatever construction paper morals I had been relying on, and one day I will look up and my "want to" is gone without a trace. Grasping through that shame and helplessness towards the neglected power of the Holy Spirit's gracious changing of my soul has been very challenging for me lately.


I really really like this blog. I read the Bright Side Project (and try to win sometimes), and one day I read on there that they had a new weekend editor - Lindsey from A Great Full Day. So, I hopped on over there and was quite pleasantly surprised by the fresh, friendly mix of spiritual Truth, style, and exuberance in her blog. I'm also enjoying this blog that I randomly found. (Both of these ladies' posts often remind me that I too am a font nerd, and really enjoy working with typefaces.)


Along the lines of creativity and typefaces, I've been sitting on a lot of ideas about different prints that I'd like to create. I'd been sketching a lot, but finally spent some time with Illustrator this past weekend. Garret had to go up to work for a little bit on Saturday to transfer some 8mm film, so I tagged along to keep him company. I brought my laptop and it was fun to hangout, help him with his work, work on some of my own projects, and watch strangers' vacation movies from the 60s, lol. So, this is the first thing I came up with.

And here's a zoom of it so you can tell what's going on. A little cheesy maybe, but I got the idea in my head, and was just excited that I could remember how to make my own pattern in Illustrator and apply it.

I've been toying with lots of different ideas of things to design for the wedding, and I'm looking forward to making more of them come to fruition. More is coming soon :)

A longing fulfilled

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."
Proverbs 13:12

Today I was rummaging through some files of photos at work, trying to find a good one for our Christmas card. I ran across this one (which was taken by one of my talented coworkers), tweaked it a bit, and was taken aback. It reminded me of this verse, because it looked like a vibrant, thriving tree of life.

God gives us so many longings. And we want them fulfilled so quickly, so specifically. But I think that the longings that we wait for, cry for, and eventually seek to surrender back to the Lord - it's those longings that are so clearly vibrant and sweet when they are fulfilled.

Anyways, I don't know if this image will be on the Christmas card, but it was a good part of my day.

tangles

Tangled hair, tangled heart and mind - that's me right now. Longing for sweet spiritual saturation and only putting forth 50% effort to grow towards that. MLK's post the other day pushed me towards realizing how much I've been avoiding life-giving things lately.

Everyday I read random blogs that don't really encourage or challenge me, they just distract. Everyday I check the facerbook way too many times. Everyday I read whatever magazines are laying around my room. Everyday I text way too much - avoiding time to sit still and reflect or pray. I've been losing interest in spiritual things that used to help keep me on track, or at least make me think and feel and not just be blank - like music (Sara Groves, Superchic[k], Rita Springer) the Gods Politics blog, memorizing Truth, and reading, whodathought it, the Bible. I've been getting tangled in this sick web of laziness, fear, worry, and regret, with moments of breakdown and redemption mixed in.

Today I was encouraged by Hosea 1. The first few verses discuss Hosea and Gomer's children and their painfully poignant names. Then, in v. 1o, there's a shift, and one gorgeous word that makes me weep: YET. I opened up my Bible to to that one word today and it spoke hope and life. Thank you Jesus for all the trillions of "yet"s that you enabled by your love and grace.

Then... later tonight I was thinking about my recent, obsessive blog reading habits and decided that maybe one step in the right direction would be to find some Christian blogs for women that were both creative and thoughtful, and could hold my attention. So I googled that and lo-and-behold, found one called Tapestry and Father used this post about Mark 5:25-34 (where the diseased woman in the crowd touches Jesus's cloak and is healed) to move me:

This story reminds me to do two things:

1 - reach for Jesus
2 - be brave

... Jesus does not change. He is the same compassionate Savior today. He is a Restorer. And this story encourages me to understand that at the times where I feel like He feels miles away and I feel lonely and hopeless, that perhaps I need to be brave and reach for Him in honest prayer. Even in the midst of my fear and shame.

Other people may fail me. Other people may take advantage, or mock, or be completely apathetic. I may fail myself. Not Jesus. He will not despise us when we reach out for Him.

He calls us daughters.

I needed that instruction, that reminder: drop the screens of fearfulness, and reach out for Jesus with brave hope. So yeah, that's where I am - seeking, finding, reaching, and asking/letting God do the untangling.

-value-

Where do you get your value from? Where do I get my value from?

.resume?
.weight?
.what your parents say about you?
.grades?
.whether or not that stranger smiled at you?
.what you're wearing?
.completion of tasks?
.what's on your left ring finger?
.compliments?
.possessions?

Whatever value you write on the garage sale tag you've attach to your soul - is that value transient or permanent?
What conditions are there on your worth?
.performance, consistency, appearance, attention, improvement, polished-ness?

And where do we get all of this? Who teaches us that good grades=>valuable human being, or that attention=>wonderful person? And why do we make our self concepts so lazily dependent on the very same lies that shred and cripple us on the inside?

Tonight I was having trouble with a few items on that first list, so I needed to go back to the truth that Father has shown me. After months/years of not understanding this, this is where I've landed...

I am valuable because the One True God made me, loves me unconditionally and unfailingly, offered full redemption to me through His Son, and promises to never forsake me. He values and has compassion on ALL He has created.

{ALL = failures, widows, Asians, untalented, poor, Africans, men, illiterate, women, unemployed, Europeans, criminal, Americans, unattractive, abnormal, exile = ALL}

And, nothing we can do can make Him love us more OR less. Therefore, your value is not negotiable. And neither is mine. God loves unfailingly. period.

"The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love. The Lord is good to all; He has compassion on all he has made." Psalm 145:8-9