thoughts on one year ago...

About one year ago, I was trying to decide whether or not to go overseas again. I was stressed and dry spiritually. I didn't want to leave my family during the first Christmas without both my parents' mothers. But, I didn't want to miss getting to see my friends there again and getting to tell them Truth. It was frustrating, because getting back from the summer trip had been really great, and it was senior year, and everything was supposed to be super, but it wasn't - it was confusing, unpredictable.


So God made a way, and I went, even though I was not real clear on specifically why. It was all just hard: from November to February, it seemed like nothing came easy. Gradually, I accepted serious lies from the Enemy that grew into ingrained self-deprecation, doubt and a hard heart.


And the lies didn't really go away after February. So many days, I just give-in tothe lies. They're still around, and it makes me so stinking mad! The Christmas trip was supposed to be refining and beneficial - so why did I internalize so many ungodly habits from it? Did I somehow miss the results phase of the refinement process? What's the purpose in all this battling? And do I even really want to fight for Truth?

Lately, however, I've been hearing the Lord fight for me. I think a lot of people experience this, but for a while now, when I get really down, defeated, hopeless, I hear this cycle of awful, pointed, accusations scrolling through my mind. And, they feel so true so I just allow it and wallow. (Which I realize just compounds the sin, and then I feel worse and continue wallowing.) But, the past couple of weeks when that's happend, I've heard the Lord, my Defender, say something different: "Beloved. Beloved. Beloved." So I can write down all those awful names and scratch them out until there's holes in the journal paper and instead pen "Beloved" - and believe that there is One who loves unfailingly and doesn't give up on people.

Maybe that's a piece of what I was meant to learn from the past year: times will be hard and you will hear lies and they will be persuasive - but Christ is your Defender and He is never passive in your life. Trust his defense, listen and believe what He says about you. Hold onto that truth, and fight the fight.

"My sheep listen to my voice. I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father's hand." John 10:27-29

Show and Tell

I've realized lately that I often live my life like a continuous Kindergarten class - I'm almost always playing show and tell.

When someone comes over to our house to visit, I show them things - new creations, photos, books, clothes, etc. Even if the stuff is boring or lame, I have this built-in desire to show people stuff. When I go home to see my family, I bring stuff to show them, and more stuff to work on and produce while I'm there. When my housemates come to my room to chat, I want to show them some new thing that I've got. If I go visit someone and I don't bring anything, it's just me, I feel totally unprepared.

It's like I want to prove something - but what? That I'm a real live girl who's being productive and responsible, and who can make nifty purchases? What does that say about me?

I think that doing this to a degree is normal, but I think I sometimes use these things as shields. Like if I can show my friends and family enough things, then maybe they'll be convinced that I'm competent/okay/together. Maybe they'll think better of me, or maybe they won't question me as much. And I think that personally I link my value to what I can make/buy/do/read.

Just something to think about. Next time I do show and tell for you, please humor me, but also please help me let down my lame-o defensives made of scrapbooks, writing projects, junk and jewelry.