thoughts on one year ago...

About one year ago, I was trying to decide whether or not to go overseas again. I was stressed and dry spiritually. I didn't want to leave my family during the first Christmas without both my parents' mothers. But, I didn't want to miss getting to see my friends there again and getting to tell them Truth. It was frustrating, because getting back from the summer trip had been really great, and it was senior year, and everything was supposed to be super, but it wasn't - it was confusing, unpredictable.


So God made a way, and I went, even though I was not real clear on specifically why. It was all just hard: from November to February, it seemed like nothing came easy. Gradually, I accepted serious lies from the Enemy that grew into ingrained self-deprecation, doubt and a hard heart.


And the lies didn't really go away after February. So many days, I just give-in tothe lies. They're still around, and it makes me so stinking mad! The Christmas trip was supposed to be refining and beneficial - so why did I internalize so many ungodly habits from it? Did I somehow miss the results phase of the refinement process? What's the purpose in all this battling? And do I even really want to fight for Truth?

Lately, however, I've been hearing the Lord fight for me. I think a lot of people experience this, but for a while now, when I get really down, defeated, hopeless, I hear this cycle of awful, pointed, accusations scrolling through my mind. And, they feel so true so I just allow it and wallow. (Which I realize just compounds the sin, and then I feel worse and continue wallowing.) But, the past couple of weeks when that's happend, I've heard the Lord, my Defender, say something different: "Beloved. Beloved. Beloved." So I can write down all those awful names and scratch them out until there's holes in the journal paper and instead pen "Beloved" - and believe that there is One who loves unfailingly and doesn't give up on people.

Maybe that's a piece of what I was meant to learn from the past year: times will be hard and you will hear lies and they will be persuasive - but Christ is your Defender and He is never passive in your life. Trust his defense, listen and believe what He says about you. Hold onto that truth, and fight the fight.

"My sheep listen to my voice. I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father's hand." John 10:27-29

tangles

Tangled hair, tangled heart and mind - that's me right now. Longing for sweet spiritual saturation and only putting forth 50% effort to grow towards that. MLK's post the other day pushed me towards realizing how much I've been avoiding life-giving things lately.

Everyday I read random blogs that don't really encourage or challenge me, they just distract. Everyday I check the facerbook way too many times. Everyday I read whatever magazines are laying around my room. Everyday I text way too much - avoiding time to sit still and reflect or pray. I've been losing interest in spiritual things that used to help keep me on track, or at least make me think and feel and not just be blank - like music (Sara Groves, Superchic[k], Rita Springer) the Gods Politics blog, memorizing Truth, and reading, whodathought it, the Bible. I've been getting tangled in this sick web of laziness, fear, worry, and regret, with moments of breakdown and redemption mixed in.

Today I was encouraged by Hosea 1. The first few verses discuss Hosea and Gomer's children and their painfully poignant names. Then, in v. 1o, there's a shift, and one gorgeous word that makes me weep: YET. I opened up my Bible to to that one word today and it spoke hope and life. Thank you Jesus for all the trillions of "yet"s that you enabled by your love and grace.

Then... later tonight I was thinking about my recent, obsessive blog reading habits and decided that maybe one step in the right direction would be to find some Christian blogs for women that were both creative and thoughtful, and could hold my attention. So I googled that and lo-and-behold, found one called Tapestry and Father used this post about Mark 5:25-34 (where the diseased woman in the crowd touches Jesus's cloak and is healed) to move me:

This story reminds me to do two things:

1 - reach for Jesus
2 - be brave

... Jesus does not change. He is the same compassionate Savior today. He is a Restorer. And this story encourages me to understand that at the times where I feel like He feels miles away and I feel lonely and hopeless, that perhaps I need to be brave and reach for Him in honest prayer. Even in the midst of my fear and shame.

Other people may fail me. Other people may take advantage, or mock, or be completely apathetic. I may fail myself. Not Jesus. He will not despise us when we reach out for Him.

He calls us daughters.

I needed that instruction, that reminder: drop the screens of fearfulness, and reach out for Jesus with brave hope. So yeah, that's where I am - seeking, finding, reaching, and asking/letting God do the untangling.

Show and Tell

I've realized lately that I often live my life like a continuous Kindergarten class - I'm almost always playing show and tell.

When someone comes over to our house to visit, I show them things - new creations, photos, books, clothes, etc. Even if the stuff is boring or lame, I have this built-in desire to show people stuff. When I go home to see my family, I bring stuff to show them, and more stuff to work on and produce while I'm there. When my housemates come to my room to chat, I want to show them some new thing that I've got. If I go visit someone and I don't bring anything, it's just me, I feel totally unprepared.

It's like I want to prove something - but what? That I'm a real live girl who's being productive and responsible, and who can make nifty purchases? What does that say about me?

I think that doing this to a degree is normal, but I think I sometimes use these things as shields. Like if I can show my friends and family enough things, then maybe they'll be convinced that I'm competent/okay/together. Maybe they'll think better of me, or maybe they won't question me as much. And I think that personally I link my value to what I can make/buy/do/read.

Just something to think about. Next time I do show and tell for you, please humor me, but also please help me let down my lame-o defensives made of scrapbooks, writing projects, junk and jewelry.