tangles

Tangled hair, tangled heart and mind - that's me right now. Longing for sweet spiritual saturation and only putting forth 50% effort to grow towards that. MLK's post the other day pushed me towards realizing how much I've been avoiding life-giving things lately.

Everyday I read random blogs that don't really encourage or challenge me, they just distract. Everyday I check the facerbook way too many times. Everyday I read whatever magazines are laying around my room. Everyday I text way too much - avoiding time to sit still and reflect or pray. I've been losing interest in spiritual things that used to help keep me on track, or at least make me think and feel and not just be blank - like music (Sara Groves, Superchic[k], Rita Springer) the Gods Politics blog, memorizing Truth, and reading, whodathought it, the Bible. I've been getting tangled in this sick web of laziness, fear, worry, and regret, with moments of breakdown and redemption mixed in.

Today I was encouraged by Hosea 1. The first few verses discuss Hosea and Gomer's children and their painfully poignant names. Then, in v. 1o, there's a shift, and one gorgeous word that makes me weep: YET. I opened up my Bible to to that one word today and it spoke hope and life. Thank you Jesus for all the trillions of "yet"s that you enabled by your love and grace.

Then... later tonight I was thinking about my recent, obsessive blog reading habits and decided that maybe one step in the right direction would be to find some Christian blogs for women that were both creative and thoughtful, and could hold my attention. So I googled that and lo-and-behold, found one called Tapestry and Father used this post about Mark 5:25-34 (where the diseased woman in the crowd touches Jesus's cloak and is healed) to move me:

This story reminds me to do two things:

1 - reach for Jesus
2 - be brave

... Jesus does not change. He is the same compassionate Savior today. He is a Restorer. And this story encourages me to understand that at the times where I feel like He feels miles away and I feel lonely and hopeless, that perhaps I need to be brave and reach for Him in honest prayer. Even in the midst of my fear and shame.

Other people may fail me. Other people may take advantage, or mock, or be completely apathetic. I may fail myself. Not Jesus. He will not despise us when we reach out for Him.

He calls us daughters.

I needed that instruction, that reminder: drop the screens of fearfulness, and reach out for Jesus with brave hope. So yeah, that's where I am - seeking, finding, reaching, and asking/letting God do the untangling.

Jesus wants the rose. and me. and you.

Things have been rough lately. Lots of struggle. Daily asking God to change my heart. Daily failing in my own flesh. Clinging to hope. And Father is faithful to strengthen and encourage me. While I was at work today, I found these two encouraging things via the Desiring God blog.

- A Conversation with Death on Good Friday
" O death, where is your victory?
O death, where is your sting?
The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law.
But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory
through our Lord Jesus Christ."
1 Corinthians 15:55-57

- Jesus wants the rose
Really sweet Truth, from a Matt Chandler message.

two two

I turned twenty two today! That's crazy! All in all it was a very fun day: quality time with Garret, fun party time with my roomies and some of my favorite people, ice cream, EA videos, and some dancin.

Me, with my birthday flowers from Mom, leis from the roomies, and silliness from Maggie ;)

I know it's been a while, so here's a brief serious and funny update on my life...

- I graduate in six weeks. This is craziness.
- I need a full-time job in BCS for after graduation.
- I'm struggling with managing my time well, and I've stunk at it for so long that I now have trouble not just resigning myself to the sleep-deprived cycle.
- This video makes me laugh A LOT!!
- I'm procrastinating right now.
- These are some of my new favorite songs: While I'm Waiting by John Waller, Yours by Steven Curtis Chapman, and I Don't Feel Like Dancin by the Scissor Sisters.

Spring Break

I know this is real late, but here's some fun photos from my last Spring Break!

During our roommate weekend extravaganza we had a day at the park and enjoyed playing games, resting in hammocks, and of course swinging on the swings! I love my roomies! After our Shalom Shack Extravaganza weekend, I went home for the rest of the break and enjoyed time with family and friends. It was pretty restful and not too busy.

One night Garret and I, and our BFFS Derek and Kristi all went out fishing at the lake. Me and Kristi were mostly excited. ;)

Friday night Garret and I went out C&W dancing and that was way fun. I had a blast dancing with my man!

My friend from home Lauren, who I've known since kindergarten, got married Saturday. She looked gorgeous! We had a fun time at the wedding. (Above: me, Lauren, Chrissy and Kristi)

Garret and I had a good time at the wedding and enjoyed catching up with old friends.

I also got to see my awesome sister Melissa and her husband Glen. Here they are in their apartment, with a scroll I brought them from EA. I love them a lot :)

{enitnelav}{valentine}

Saturday Garret and I went to Calvert, a neat/dead/quaint town about 30 minutes down the road. We strolled down main street (which is highway 6). We ate amazing food at Loretta's cafe. We read historical/hysterical markers. I ate yummy candies at CocoaModa (Garret was suspicious of that place). We looked at old/neat houses. And we generally enjoyed ourselves - it just quite was a good day!

I bet this house was gorgeous in its day. Garret pointed out how neat the top left window was.

My man :)

We really enjoy all the old buildings in Calvert. They have so much character and history.

We love each other :)

This building is NEAT. It's totally fallen apart and there are trees growing inside of it.

Show and Tell

I've realized lately that I often live my life like a continuous Kindergarten class - I'm almost always playing show and tell.

When someone comes over to our house to visit, I show them things - new creations, photos, books, clothes, etc. Even if the stuff is boring or lame, I have this built-in desire to show people stuff. When I go home to see my family, I bring stuff to show them, and more stuff to work on and produce while I'm there. When my housemates come to my room to chat, I want to show them some new thing that I've got. If I go visit someone and I don't bring anything, it's just me, I feel totally unprepared.

It's like I want to prove something - but what? That I'm a real live girl who's being productive and responsible, and who can make nifty purchases? What does that say about me?

I think that doing this to a degree is normal, but I think I sometimes use these things as shields. Like if I can show my friends and family enough things, then maybe they'll be convinced that I'm competent/okay/together. Maybe they'll think better of me, or maybe they won't question me as much. And I think that personally I link my value to what I can make/buy/do/read.

Just something to think about. Next time I do show and tell for you, please humor me, but also please help me let down my lame-o defensives made of scrapbooks, writing projects, junk and jewelry.

-value-

Where do you get your value from? Where do I get my value from?

.resume?
.weight?
.what your parents say about you?
.grades?
.whether or not that stranger smiled at you?
.what you're wearing?
.completion of tasks?
.what's on your left ring finger?
.compliments?
.possessions?

Whatever value you write on the garage sale tag you've attach to your soul - is that value transient or permanent?
What conditions are there on your worth?
.performance, consistency, appearance, attention, improvement, polished-ness?

And where do we get all of this? Who teaches us that good grades=>valuable human being, or that attention=>wonderful person? And why do we make our self concepts so lazily dependent on the very same lies that shred and cripple us on the inside?

Tonight I was having trouble with a few items on that first list, so I needed to go back to the truth that Father has shown me. After months/years of not understanding this, this is where I've landed...

I am valuable because the One True God made me, loves me unconditionally and unfailingly, offered full redemption to me through His Son, and promises to never forsake me. He values and has compassion on ALL He has created.

{ALL = failures, widows, Asians, untalented, poor, Africans, men, illiterate, women, unemployed, Europeans, criminal, Americans, unattractive, abnormal, exile = ALL}

And, nothing we can do can make Him love us more OR less. Therefore, your value is not negotiable. And neither is mine. God loves unfailingly. period.

"The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love. The Lord is good to all; He has compassion on all he has made." Psalm 145:8-9